i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize