Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
