just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
