I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize