Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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