I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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