woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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