dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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