I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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