i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
