i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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