carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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