I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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