I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize