Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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