bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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