Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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