I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
