textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize