I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
