New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
