is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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