I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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