i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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