I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
