i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
