i think my tv is drunk
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
