she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
