he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize