Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
