i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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