my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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