apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize