I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
