ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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