cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
