I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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