I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Less talking, more tequila
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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