I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
