im six kinds of drunk right now
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
