It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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