8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
