I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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