Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
