dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
