hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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