im having a threesome with these popsicles
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
