be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
