I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
