i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My penis needs a shock collar
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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