My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
