So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
