guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
