Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
