Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
