i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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