I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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