Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
