sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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