I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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