I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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