Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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